Inner Reflection

Tonight, as I arrived to youth group, my soul longed for me to stop. To be still. To listen. To wait. It has happened numerous times. I know what is needed when I have that feelings. And so before all the fun and growing of youth group began. Before I was called on to be a leader. I tried to be still, quiet and wait. To take the time for God to speak into my heart. And my soul longed to hear.

Lately I have been thinking. That I don't take the time to work on me. My life revolves around my family. Their needs come first. I love to have a deep connection to my friends. So their needs sometimes come first as well. Most of the time I don't think about me. Am I doing what God needs me to do for myself? For my growth? For our relationship?

Tonight it wasn't about that. This morning I went to help with a fundraising breakfast that the youth group was doing. I absolutely love to have those kids be a part of my life. And I feel absolutely blessed that God put it on my heart to help be a leader for them. At church after, I was tired, but I was feeling good. I love my church. And the church being the men and women of God that join me in fellowship. I have become closer to some than others. But I can see how well we work as the body of Christ. The devil snuck a little trigger in my heart as I left today. Why do some people, that are important in our church, never speak to me? But they speak to those who are closest to me. As we drove to youth group, Jonny and I, he started talking about what happened at church today. How Pastor Pat asked him to go introduce himself to his wife. Because he has come up in their conversations and she didn't know who he was. And that is where it snuck in again. And my spirit sent a message to my heart. Push the button...STAND BY.

Here is what I got so far. Have I been hiding parts of me and exposing only certain parts of myself??? Have I been trusting my church enough to allow them to know me inside and out??? My relationship with God is close. My knowledge, although I can not quote the bible, is deep. I may have not been formally taught how to lead, but I have been imformally taught how to be a leader. Do I hide from them because I feel inadequate? That I can't go toe to toe with those who can quote a bible verse and show me where to find it on demand? Or do I hide from them so I don't get hurt? I have been hiding. What if I expose myself and I still am not needed? What if I am not supposed to expose myself? And this is why I need to be still and quiet, and wait.

I must say though, that I am horrible saddened. I am distraught that my thoughts were so easily munipulated. That any of those feelings took up residence in my heart. It is easy for me to expose my life on how I live for God. It is not easy for me to expose my struggles. More inner reflection is needed.